Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
