I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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