Ambien. No doubt about it.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
