Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
