he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
