there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
