Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
