Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
