Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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