U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
