I think I won the penis lottery.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
