Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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