Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
