imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
