remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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