My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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