she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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