woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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