He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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