Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
