I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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