i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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