Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
