biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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