So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
