I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
