Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
