My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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