there's paper in my vomit.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
