I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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