Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
