you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
foreskin is a definite game changer
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
