I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
