The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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