My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
