So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He better not be in your backpack
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
