Swine flu. Run for my life!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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