I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
