Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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