Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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