im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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