There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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