Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
