Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
