Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize