I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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