Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
