i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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