You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
