At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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