We won't sleep together?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
