i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
