My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
