upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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