i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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