I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
