I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
