Plan B is the new Plan A
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize